Things I Know and Don't Know

A list for this moment of uncertainty.

1. I don’t know how long my mother will live. But I know she will always be my mom, and I will always carry her love in my every cell.

2. I don’t know how this illness will play out. But I know we will be surrounded by friends and family and care. We won’t be alone.

3. I don’t know if the treatment will work. But I know we have made the best choice with the options we have. I know I have shown up as best I can.

4. I don’t know—and even the doctors don’t know—exactly how cancer works or how to make it stop. But I know that we will never know enough. We will never have enough information to outwit the eventual decline of our bodies, sooner or later.

5. I don’t know why these things happen. I don’t know what God’s plan is here, and it’s unhelpful for me to narrate this as part of God’s plan. But I know each day is a gift and being alive is a miracle. I want to give my energy and attention to this, not the unknowable whys.

6. I don’t know if I can do this again, so soon after my dad’s illness and death. But there is no way out. The only way out is through. The only posture that brings peace is surrender. I know, somehow, I will keep breathing, and living, and loving. I will be changed, broken yet again, and hopefully—more and more—transformed.

7. I don’t know what other trials may come. But I know that life is always surprising. Along with unexpected pain, unforeseen joy and goodness comes too. As a human on planet earth, I know I will suffer and I will die. But I have also known deep goodness. I partake in a greater Life than the one contained by my brief lifespan. This Life animates each being, each natural process, all around. Even when my life ends, even through wars and famines and floods and heat and wildfires, this Life will continue.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

…

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord
Forever.

-Psalm 23:4,6

Recently Published/Aired

• “The stories I needed growing up” - a review of three AAPI middle grade fiction books for The Christian Century. This piece was so fun to write!

• I had a deeply nourishing conversation with the Lift Every Voice podcast hosts Christine Valters Paintner and Claudia Love Mair. Watch the video or listen to the audio here.

• My latest column for Sojourners reflects on the holy work of accompanying the dying.